For some reason or another, this past month has seemed harder than any I’ve faced since the loss of my sweet husband.  I’m talking harder than the first Valentines I spent without him, harder than our daughters first birthday that he missed, harder than our 3 year wedding anniversary that I spent alone, and even harder than my first Christmas without him.  I have been a complete and total basket case.   Now in the midst of all my boohooing and feeling sorry for myself my mother in law (MIL), who I love dearly, wanted some quality time with her granddaughter.  This quality time would require me to let her take my daughter about 2 hours away and keep her for several days/nights.  I knew this would be a hard thing for me to do, but some part of me actually thought it might do me some good to get some “me time”. BOY WAS I WRONG!

When my MIL came to pick her up I almost changed my mind. My heart was breaking as I relinquished custody to my MIL. Now my daughter on the other hand had no hesitation. She saw her grandma and was like “momma who?” So away she went. As they pulled out of the driveway I walked into the house and had a complete meltdown.

Our home suddenly seemed very lonely and empty. I decided I would try to keep busy so I started to clean. As I moved from room to room putting things away I noticed little things everywhere that made me think of my dear sweet Robbie. In the baby’s room it was the picture of him holding his daughter the day she was born. In our living room it was a Willow Tree Angel statuette of a Father, Mother, and Child. A reminder of the family that we never had a chance to be. In our bedroom a big queen size bed that I lay in and miss him EVERY night. The next few days seemed like torture. I went to work, came home, and every day while Micah was with her grandma I was miserable.

I have a spent a lot of time asking God why he would give me and Robbie a child just to have me raise her alone. In fact the day we found out it was Cancer Robbie and I both cried trying to figure it out. It seemed so wrong to bring a child into a one parent home like we both grew up in. When our relationship began to get serious and we discussed our views on marriage we had both made the decision that when we got married it would be forever. We both new the hurt and longing of being a child who just wants so badly to have a mommy and a daddy and be like all the other kids in school. Well, these last few days alone I think I have part of the answer.

God gave me Micah because he knew that I would need her to help me get through this. She’s the reason I get out of bed in the morning. He knew that my heart would need something to make it smile and laugh when everything else seems hopeless. Isn’t God good? He provided me with exactly what I needed to continue on without my sweet Robbie. He knew that after blessing me with an amazing man, “me time” just wouldn’t be enough for me. It would not fulfill my desire to love and be loved the way Robbie had. This perfect little bundle of joy fulfills those desires and so much more. I see her look at me and I feel her daddy’s face smiling at me. She giggles and I hear him joking and laughing in what my brothers wife refers to as the Robbie Kackle. He lives on in her and through her. She is the joy that will get me through this life until I reach eternity with Robbie. Thank you, THANK YOU, Jesus!

I was in the office today opening mail like I do every morning.  Bills, bills, more bills, a few checks from customers, then comes the never ending pile of junk mail.  I came across a local weekly publication I had never seen before.  ”Mid-Atlantic Country Folks Farm Chronicle – Your Weekly Connection to Agriculture.”  Now being in the lumber business and my love for animals, especially cows and goats, my intrest suddenly perked.  I unfolded it so I could read the entire front cover to see if it might be something I wanted to keep to read later.  Immediately the bottom right hand corner caught my eye.  Right there on the front page it quoted Philippians 4:6-7.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I pulled a double take.  Could this publication, which obviously was not a religious newspaper, be a witness not only to our precious saviour but also to this wonderful ”Land of the Free” that we live in? 

As Memorial Day approaches I hope each of us will remember to pray for our country, for it’s leaders, and for the men and women who fight to preserve our freedom.  This actually shoud be a part of our prayers every day, not just Memorial and Veterans day.  There is a wonderful song out by Casting Crowns whose title says it all.  “If We’ve Ever Needed You” the next words in that phrase are “Lord It’s Now!”   If this country ever needed the peace and hope of our Lord… LORD IT’S NOW!

A couple weeks ago I found myself in a discount store near my moms home.  It was one of those hodge podge stores that sells everything from overstocked furniture to dented canned goods.  Anyway, a display of decorative walls plaques caught my eye.  Now, those of you who know me and have been in my house know that I have zero design or decorative skills.  I mismatch furniture, dishes, eras, etc.  I’m kind of all over the place….kind of like this blog…. hee, hee.  Anyway, back on point to the wall plaques… I found one that read EARTH HAS NO SORROW THAT HEAVEN CANNOT HEAL.  I read it over and over trying to decide if I agreed with the statement. 

The loss of my husband to cancer is a SORROW like no other.  I miss him so very much.  Somedays it almost feels hard to breathe the sorrow is so heavy.  As I read it over and over again I started to get a little angry and I found myself asking God, “If you can heal this sorrow in my heart, why don’t you just do it.”  On a regular basis I cry out to God to heal my heart, to make the hurt a little less, to help me to move forward in the grieving process.  As of late I’ve begun to feel like God isn’t there.   I’ve felt like he’s abandoned me and left me in this dark pit of sorrow.  

I bought the plaque and took it to show to my mother.  There is something about a mothers love and wisdom that just clarifies everything.  My mother while suffering from her own loss of my step father several years ago, combined withher own late stage alztheimers gave clarity to my confusion.  She reminded me of these scriptures:

Matthew 5:4            Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.

John 14:18           No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you.

John 16:33            I have told you these things so that you will have peace of heart and mind, Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows, but cheer up, for I have overcome the world,

Thank goodness I have a Godly Mother to remind me of Gods promises.  She could have joined in on my pity party or had one of her moments of complete alztheimers confusion.  But at that moment she had complete clarity in her words to me.  God was using her to comfort me and remind me of the promise of the JOY UNSPEAKABLE yet to come.  Until then, I’m just going to continue pouring out my heart to God.  I know Satan is the one that is telling me that God has abandoned me and is not listening when it’s really just the opposite.  God has heard my every cry, he’s felt every tear that’s rolled off my cheek, he’s heard my heart break in the still of the night when I miss Robbie the most.  Just like any good friend/father, God has sat there and let me cry on his shoulder.  He’s let me beat my fists on his chest in anguish and anger.  He’s been patiently waiting for me to grieve and claim the joy he has in store for me and Micah.  All I can say is “Thank you Jesus!  Thank you for being my heavenly father and my closest friend!  Thank you for giving me a mother that prayed and taught me as a child, and continues to pray and teach me now.  Thank you Jesus!”

This AM I was loading the truck up to head to work.  As I brought my sweet 19 month daughter  Micah out of the house, I could tell she was excited to be outdoors.  After all it was a gorgeous morning and she thought mommy was taking her out to play.  Of course her excitement quickly turned into disappointment as I promptly loaded her into the truck to head to work.  Her once happy face wrinkled up and she started to cry.  As I strapped her into her car seat I began to try and calm her down.  I spoke in my best sweet and loving mommy voice “Don’t be upset baby girl.  I’ll let you play outside at work as soon as the deck dries out from the rain.”   Her face quickly changed into a smile and she seemed to understand what I was telling her, then I realized she had stopped listening to me after the word outside.    After she heard the part about going outside today she tuned out everything that came next.  It suddenly hit me, she was doing to me what I tend to do to God.  I listen to his voice when it’s something that I want to do or something that benefits me and tune him out completely when it’s something I don’t feel comfortable with or that might be “work”.  For example, THIS BLOG.

Since I lost my husband to cancer last year I’ve spent a lot of time e-mailing friends and family my feelings and status updates.  I’ve had a lot of requests, suggestions, prompting to do it on a more regular basis or to turn it into a book.  I’ve felt God tugging at my heart strings to do the same.  For some reason the more I felt him tugging the more I turned away from it and decided it would be “too much work”, or “too time consuming”, or “who would want to read what I have to say”, or “do I really want to share my personal thoughts/feelings with complete strangers?”, and lastly “what If people critique my writing or make fun of my lack of English skills.”  So as my sweet little Micah gave me my epiphany this morning, I quietly said under my breath, “OK, God!  I’ll do the work!  Use me as you will!”

So welcome family, old friends, and especially new friends to my portion of this BLOG.   My prayer is that God will use me and this BLOG as a Ministry to others and also a way for me to heal and grow as a Widower, a Mother, a Friend, and most importantly a Woman of Faith.  You’ll find that I am not the most computer savvy person and my English/writing skills are probably that of a Freshman in High School.   I ask that you forgive and overlook my shortcomings and feel free to laugh at my mistakes and ramblings.   I will post some of my earlier E-Mails that I sent out to friends and family so you can learn a little about me.

Blessings to you and your families,

Friday Johnson